I would…

…and now I live with a broken heart;
With my dreams that went apart.
I would cry if I could;
I would write if I had words…

The Secret

Hey you!
Got a secret,
can you keep it?
I’m capricious.
I’ve fallen for you!
Oblivious-No-Fickle.

Can’t squawk or wail.
Would you save the enigma?
You leered at me.
And ripped my heart out!
You did the reckoned.
So lock the cipher,
in your jacket.
Never to disclose.

If I were a Czar.
You’d be confessed.
Cos I’m hearing
the yearning cries;
That you bury,
deep inside.
Got a secret,
can you keep it?
Hush. Hush.
Oughta take it to the grave.
I’ve fallen for you!
If you don’t keep it,
any of us is…DEAD!

The Vampire Song

Wasn’t it for you I was still waiting here?
Wasn’t if for you I was still alive?
Wasn’t if for you I wandered through ages?
Don’t hide from me now.
Come here, come here

Don’t fear the unknown
Let the passion consume us
Let the romance unfold
Let the mystery dissolve
Let us conquer the eternal love
Let us be burnt in the heat of it all

I want you, I want you inside me
I want it now, I want it all
I wanna sink my teeth in
I wanna suck the gushing blood
I wanna kiss you, love you, suck you
‘Til death do us part!

heartache…

if I close my eyes,
I can hear the harmony of agony & heartache
more repeatedly than not
it’s not a benign gasp
the capricious freedom
of air into the horizon

it was a momentary quarrel
voices that shattered every dwelling
like a glass crashes
penetrating everything like a bolt
in sight, in words, in the tone
within the thoughts and breaths

a relationship was meant to be broken
and so it was
sometihng perished that night
severing the bonds
slitting the veins
with broken pieces

but if you eavesdrop mercilessly
you can still claw
the fluttering of breath
between binary-lips
each broken promise &
dead end frazzle freely
on the tip of the tongue

it sounds just like
the tiptoe of the oceans tears
like saline wishes freezing on eyelashes
like spidersilk repurting apart
in the swiftness of the wind.

it’s the sound of chalk paintings
being chased away by the rain,
of lost children
running after smoke contours,
of individual fingers
weaving together to pretend
they feel complete.

it was a momentary quarrel
that shatterred everything
and when I close my eyes
I hear the harmony of heartache
a benign gasp of air
unleashed into the horizon…

living a limited life

I have often heard people saying certain quotations about life or say they live a full life. But how many really do? I think the percentage of people is really REALLY low, because they might be saying all that to make themselves not feel guilty about how they feel they live or have lived a limited life.
I was one of those very people. Basically what I have done throughout the years is live a limited life too. Not that I was forced to live one or restrained from doing stuff but I had always been given a certain image which I thought was never meant to be spoiled. Though it did help me keeping a lot of negative energy out of my life but it forced me to live a limited life.

Why? Basically because I was scared. I was not scared of doing certain things but I was afraid of what people might think. I was not scared of the dark but what was really in it. I didn’t speak my mind much, not that I was afraid of the people around me but because of the judging, rejection or redicule.

I didn’t do alot of things because of the million reasons that went along with them. Now, I just feel that the time to do certain things have just passed. That means I missed out on things which I would have had cherished and talked about with my friends.

I never really understood why did I always feel the need to please people. Did it effect anything? Yes people thanked me for helping them out. But what after that? Back-biting! But what did I do? Nothing. One that I feared loosing them and thus I never stood up for myself. Subconsciously I started resenting myself for not doing what I was supposed to do.

I had always told my friends I am different than what I am with them. And they had always asked me to open up. But the same fear never really permitted me to do so. The reason? None! Just some lame excuses to keep them off my tail. Again, pushing myself to live a limited life.

But one day around the turn of the decade I was talkin about new year resolutions with a friend and what he replied changed me. He said “I dont believe in new year resolutions cos resolutions are mostly about not doing something that you did last year or something you didn’t. I dont have any regrets. I don’t live a limited life. So there’s nothing I dont want to do…”

That was one of those times in life when someone unknowingly says something in such simple words and those words are all that I need to hear. The words that are enough to spark the smallest of light within me. A flicker of hope. Words, despite of being so simple become an inspiration, a reason to bring out a needed change in me. A positive change. A change for the better.

I wont say that I’m a new person now cos it was not like some fairy godmother waved a wand *bibidi bobidi boo* but it wasn’t anything less than that. I am certainly different. Cos now I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not being sucked into the quicksand of my fears. I’m not suffocating. I’m breathing. I’m free. Flying like a pheonix that rose from its ashes! I’m alive!

(thanks S)

Goodbye…

?

To be or not to be?
Is it better to live or die? That’s the meaning of the probably the best-known line from all drama or literature. Certainly, if anyone is asked to quote a line of Shakespeare this is the one that first comes to mind for most people. It is, of course, from Shakespeare’s play Hamlet.

Who are we?
What’s the purpose of this life when everything is preplanned by the Almighty?
Does making peace with our past helps present not getting screwed up?
Is it true that time heals almost everything?
Should we believe no one is the reason of our happiness, except ourselves?

We have no idea what is ones journey all about. We know we shouldn’t compare our life with others & not judge anyone. Then why do we still do it?

The problem is, about this world, we have questions. Millions and then some. And sometimes these questions shouldn’t be answered and they should let be.

What to say when there are no words left?
Where’s the day when the sun finally sets?
Who’s to say that today cant be the day?

Why me?
If I could see, where do I place myself in this world?
If I could walk, how many steps till I get my success?
If I could speak, what would I say to the people?
If I could move, where would I need to be at the right time?
If i could love, who would be the one to take my breath away?
If I could fly, how many wonders will I pass by?
If I reach out, would anyone reach back?
If I called out, would someone listen?
If I fall, would anyone catch me?
If its possible, why can’t we try?

Is the dark enough to keep someone away?
Do you really feel life?
Why does it seem so hard sometimes?
Did you ever want to hold someone?
How can you teach your heart, not to feel anything?
When one knows they wont be able to keep a promise then why make it?
Is it any of our business what other people think of us? Should we care?

What would you choose, if you knew the choice was already made?
Who would you fight for, if the battle was already over?
Would you live, knowing you are already dead?
Should you keep trying, knowing you have already failed?
Would you walk, if you are already down on your knees?
Would you try to win, when you have already lost?

Would you try to be remembered, knowing you have already been forgotten?

Answers & Questions. Questions & Answers. They are all around us. Everyday. Every hour. Every second. They revolve within our very soul. With every answer comes another question. Who will have the guts to unearth them all? Who will want to know the whole story? Are we courageous enough? Are we willing enough to face the bitter truth? Who is worthy of being trusted with such priceless information?

Future. Will we be able to remember it?
When we know that all it’s is past?

We shouldn’t think too much. It’s alright not to know all the answers. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow of things. We never know what’s in store for us the next second. It’s alright to fearful. It’s alright to have questions. It’s alright not to have all the answers. It’s alright only till it doesn’t limit us from living a full life. It’s alright to take a leap of faith…

flawed, but I’m okay!

I am me.

People say I pretend to be someone I am not. I am different with every individual person I meet. They say that I’ve changed, it’s not like that..
It’s just that they have started taking my notice.
Ah! They dont know me! Or do they?
They dont even know how I feel.
They dont know what my desires are.
What my passions are.
They dont understand me. They just dont.
They why do they say that I pretend?
Did they ever see the tears in my eyes?
Did they ever feel the pain in my cries?
When they dont give a d*** about me and leave me
Having no breath, no feelings, no love.
When they dont even know a bit about me? Then why do they judge me?
Then why?
Why do they say that i pretend to be someone I am not?
Why dont they take me as I am? And understand me?

I am me, your self conscious human being.

I dislike that I don’t like my eyes so much, though they got praised by an international photographer/model, but they never look proper to me.
I dislike when I don’t get to go out everyday, with my friends cos they are not there and usually because I have lame excuses and reason plus the laziness.
I dislike how tired I can look some time no matter how much I sleep.

I am me.

I dislike that I am only five foot five, for not being an average height like most men.
I dislike when people often make fun of mine ‘duck-like’ ass. bleeeeeeeehh!
I recently started wishing I was skinnier, I hate seeing my body in the mirror but refuse to work out.
I hate the wrong judgement I receive and for the choices I make in my life.

I am just your everyday flawed human being, perfectly flawed.
Although i complain but I am perfectly content
 
Everyone has there downfalls and flaws to them, but is that not what makes them pretty? I believe everyone is beautiful in their own respective wierd ways.
Here you, I am unshaven, my eyes look tired, my lips are chapped, and my hair is like a bird’s nest on my head, this was me getting up early in the morning.

I am your everyday individual, your everyday human being, your everyday walking problem.
I can admit my wrongs, reconcile for my mistakes….
Can you?

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile
(Smile by Charlie Chaplin)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

We all believe no one is perfect. But I like to differ. I believe that people are perfect, but, only when they smile…

“I’m sorry. I let them hurt you” – My Sister’s Keeper

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
(Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes from My Sister’s Keeper)

I’m in my early twenties, and I find it hard to write this. I saw the film last night and not a moment has gone by when I don’t ache. It found me in the shower; it haunted me in bed; it has filled my mind and clings to my thoughts, and it won’t let up. I try to lie to myself, to find some solace by saying that it’s just a movie, but I know better. The Fitzergerald family is alive, and they represent so many aching people, so many untold stories. There is no contrivance, no manufactured importance; there are no tricks. My Sister’s Keeper tells, with painful honesty and frankness, the story of a family’s life and nothing more.

Whoever has watched the movie trailer knows that the story is about a young girl who has cancer & her sister trying to earn medical emancipation from her parents who until now have relied on their youngest child to keep their leukemia-stricken daughter remain alive. You would think that it would be a depressing movie, but you would be wrong. It is a story of some of the choices we make in life. There are many very hard choices in life and in death that we must make, and this is a good movie to show you the way.

Whether you are young or old, healthy or sick, it doesn’t hit close to home: it hits you. My Sister’s Keeper tells a story we all most desperately yearn to see or read. It’s where we can be free. Within moments from the first few moments rolled, I was entranced. I knew deep inside me that I would definitely love the movie. My Sister’s Keeper is one of the greatest films I have ever seen. It is poignant and powerful. This movie shows the struggles and sacrifices many families come across during battles involving not only cancer but also all diseases. It shows the drama, love, fighting, and encouragement that all people face in battles but it also shows that most of the time it isn’t happy or encouraging to go on fighting but instead a painful road to ride on. The movie is itself a star. The real shining star, however, is Sofia Vassilieva as Kate. This is a powerful performance that resonates every single second. Combining the angst of an adolescent with the pride and vanity of a young girl who has lost her hair and a body slowly shutting down, this young lady captures the pain and heartbreak perfectly. Oftentimes too, that heartbreak is not for her mortality, but instead for what her condition is doing to those she loves. You will see the helplessness in her eyes as she watches the tears, anger, and frustration of those trying to fight for her life. But, through flashbacks, we also catch glimpses of the moments in her life that helped her feel like a normal kid.

Its feels funny to say that it is my favorite film of all time, because I think it almost an injustice to call it a film at all, or to critique it. Somehow My Sister’s Keeper transcends that. I could hear a thousand speeches fighting for their loved ones, watch a tiltating movie or read a hundred love stories and not be absolutely broken in just two hours as I was after this film. I’ve never felt waves of nausea come over me as I did sitting in my room, my face contorted as I watched truth, emotions, love, sorrow and honesty spill from the screen buried deep inside my very soul. I had no idea what was I in for. I am usually the first to point out bias, so I know my words might be mistaken for favouritism or blind loyalty. They should not. This movie will change your existence. The movie has its screams but there’s the quiet moments that moved, and had me in tears. Suffering Kate confesses to Anna, “I’m sorry I let them hurt you… I was supposed to protect you.” And to her mother, “It’s okay.” Life goes on. Death is death. And you gotta let go. My Sister’s Keeper is beautiful and moving in its simplicity as the story celebrates life, family, and power of love. I find so many things in my life trivial now in the wake of this film–for me, watching it was truly like having a near-death experience. And am I better for it? Yes. Broken and undone, but better. For once in my life, I feel hope, and I’ve seen love.

‘Cause you and me,
So happily,
Make all our dreams of make-believe reality

Troubles, never find us there
Oh, bubbles, float through the air,
Float through the air
Float through the air air air air

So don’t you go,
Away, I know,
Without your love,
I’ll never find my way back home.
(Find My Way Back Home by Priscilla Ann from My Sister’s Keeper)